St. Patrick's Day 2009 dawned, well, when I woke up Mr. Sun was still well off in the east so technically I didn't even get to see St. Patrick's Day dawn at all. I arrived at school at my normal time, 7am, which meant I had left the house by 6:15 if not earlier. I signed in, unlocked the classroom and got to setting things up for the day.
That day was the first day of benchmark testing so I had relatively little to do, but it was still plenty. My supervisor dropped by and said she needed to speak to me at the end of the day. I told her I had to go to the PACT class, but we had P.E. prep that morning and she was welcome to come and visit. She agreed.
The day started as normal, I led community circle and taught ELD. Then it was benchmarks. I was still sick, having started not feeling well on Friday, and it grew into a full blown sinus infection by Sunday, increasing in magnitude throughout Tuesday morning. It was difficult, to say the least, to get through teaching. Thankfully, the ELD group was relatively well behaved. I never had behavior problems with them. Which is why ELD was the highlight of my teaching days. Especially M. He's an awesome kid.
Then it was P.E. prep. My supervisor came in and immediately started a very serious conversation. She reiterated what had been going on throughout the semester so far in my classroom - how the students are not respecting me, how everything I've tried hasn't been working - and in fact have been working less and less as the semester progressed. That the situation has gotten so bad that major instructional time was being lost and that the principal was concerned.
At this point, I was just gearing up for what was coming. I could feel in my bones that it was not good.
Long conversation short (we took the entire prep time plus recess time), the decision was made between my CT, my supervisor, and the program coordinator that I would withdraw from phase 3 student teaching this semester. I'll still continue with my classes, and I could still come into the class to teach but officially I would not be a student teacher. Instead, I would repeat - well, not even repeat because I won't be finishing - in a different placement in the fall.
It's been two full days since the news broke and I'm still numbed by it. I know what my next steps are, I have a plan for the six months between now and when I resume student teaching (first of all, I have to pass my classes and the PACT). But I really don't know what to think about the situation.
My CT has repeatedly said that there were a lot of things stacked against me: the fact that he's male and I'm female and these students mainly come from cultures that respect males much more than females. The fact that this group pretty much goes off into mob chaos with nearly every other teacher on campus except with my CT. The fact that they know I'm a student teacher. The fact that this group seems to have issues dealing with transitions (they had a student teacher last semester too). The fact that my CT's style is polar opposite to mine. That I had felt uncomfortable at this school and in this placement from day one and I had never fully gotten into the groove of teaching there.
Frankly, I'm relieved. I've been neglecting my health, my family and friends, even my hygiene and household chores because of this incredible stress of student teaching. I'm typically a very organized person who likes things clean. I was not a very organized or clean person for the past 7-8 weeks. I'm mentally, emotionally, and physically drained and I only know this because I took yesterday off (why not? I've been withdrawn from this placement anyway) to get over being sick. I slept a good fifteen hours straight. Plus took a two hour nap in the afternoon. Then went to sleep again by 9. I did nothing but lounge around, take medication, drink gallons of tea, and once in awhile get up to putter around in a dream state.
I did manage to go to swim class, but I only swam for 35 of the requisite 50 minutes. And I only went because I'm failing that class too: I've been staying late after school so often that I managed to miss 9 swim classes. When only 6 are allowed to get a passing grade. The coach knows me as one of the best swimmers in his class and asked what was up. He was very nice about it, telling me he did his student teaching at CSUS too and knows what it's like, and allowed me to make up the three classes as an exception (because he only allows two make up classes in general).
I did realize, during my much needed day of rest, many many things about this career. First, it's supposed to get easier as I gain more experience, not harder like it has been this semester. My student teaching last semester was awfully difficult in the beginning as well, but at around the eighth week mark, it started becoming second nature to me. I didn't even have to do a lot of prep or planning after I got home from school. The fact that it was getting harder and harder indicated to me that I wasn't learning anything, let alone internalizing what I'm supposed to be learning. This was basically what my supervisor told me on Tuesday. I agree with her.
Second, was the thing I said above about not being comfortable at this placement. The whole "frat house" atmosphere, not just among the students but with the teachers as well, that surrounds my CT grated against my personality like nothing else. He was also very messy. I swear, the days when I could find a pencil that wasn't broken, or clean copy paper to print things on was an "organized" day in that room. He's a great teacher, don't get me wrong. And I did learn some things from him. But philosophically and stylistically, the two teachers in that room were not a well matched team. And as the junior, as well as the "permanent guest," I had little to no say about these things that are so important.
Which was probably why I wasn't very assertive as a teacher lately. And that was the one thing everyone seemed to say I didn't have set in my teaching. My lessons were well planned and well executed (when I managed to execute anything), my assessments of student needs were accurate, I used a wide variety of positive management as well as logical consequences, I stayed calm even when no one would blame me for blowing my top, I built relationships with students, I was professional in speech and demeanor, I knew the content in breath and depth as much as a teacher at a JC. But I showed signs of weakness and the students took advantage of that. I never am "convincing," as my CT calls it, when I don't feel at all comfortable in any situation. I usually shut my mouth, grin and bear it. I hate complainers, so I tried not to complain. I wish I did complain a little more, and if I had been more comfortable in my role I would have, and perhaps all of this could be avoided.
But I know that there is nothing on earth to prevent something from happening if it was meant to happen. Even if I complained more, who's to say I wouldn't haven landed in this situation anyway? Call it fate, call it God's will, call it predestination, call it course correction, whatever.
Third, there are many many many flaws to the California, and by extension the US, educational system. This piece is mind-blowingly huge. Like being on a ship and coasting up to the face of a sea glacier that towers above you, only to discover by radar that there's more where that came from. Like seeing Mt. Everest from a distance and being awed, then discovering that as you get closer to it that the previous feeling of awe was just the beginning. If it's hard for me to put words to what I've been thinking these past two days, then it's that much more supremely difficult to voice my opinions on this subject. So more on this later.
Anyway, the plan. I'm totally taking a vacation. Several vacations, if my wallet can handle it. I'm going to sub - I at least have that credential on my walls. I'm still on payroll at YR so I can teach art, although I won't do it as much as I did when I first started that job nearly two years ago. I'm going to travel. I'm going to read and write. I'm going to play tennis again! Wow, that's probably the one single thing I look forward to the most; I missed tennis so much! I chatted with another cohortmate who took a break after phase II last night and we're going to the beach next Thursday. =)
I'm going to take care of my health - as in see the dentist for the first time in forever! Finally book that optometrist appointment they've been after me to set up since November. I'm going to get rid of this sinus infection thing. I'm going to get a haircut, something else I haven't done since China. I'm going to call up friends and chat and catch up. I'm going to help take care of stuff again around the house because my parents are not as young as they were. I also worry for their mental deterioration - seriously, the signs point to both of them getting Alzheimer's within the next 10-15 years.
So in a way I'm relieved. I'm relieved that I don't have to hunt for full-time teaching job yet. Teaching may be recession-proof but full-time teachers are not wanted when there are subs to do the same thing for less. I would probably have ended up subbing for the first year after graduation anyway. Or ended up at a position and then get "pink slapped" in Spring 2010 and have to move to a different school again.
It sucks to have to withdraw, that I'm still certain. I hate failing. This has happened to me three times now - I was failing in some classes near the end of high school and college. Now I'm failing near the end of post-bacc. It's like I keep running out of stamina to last through any one stage in my education. It also sucks because it looks bad for UTEC. When a student teacher fails, it degrades the program's status in the eyes of principals, who might have second thoughts the next time the coordinator asks to put a student teacher at their school.
But I'm thankful too. Thanks to fellow EIB-er Bree for the shoulder and encouragement and for being the first at the scene and helping to pick up the pieces of my professional confidence. It isn't put back all together again, but it will after awhile. Thanks to Jeneka - I'm sooo looking forward to the beach! Thanks to G. for your perspective! Thanks to E for being you and your general plan-making self! Thanks to J for your words and your call today, even though I didn't get to actually talk. It happened while I was at school, during library time. Students laughed because I had my Vita-Soy chocolate milk commercial jingle in Cantonese as the ring tone. I laughed too.
And that's the one thing I'm going to miss about this class. I won't miss their boogersnottiness at all, but this class has an awesome sense of humor. They will never know how much I laughed and mocked them, just as they laughed and mocked me. Albeit, I think they were a little less benevolent in their mocking of me.
I went into school today not having a clear exit strategy, but I decided this morning during the social studies lesson that today would be my last full day at EIB. I still have to go in on Monday to do the midterm evaluation (which is pretty much pointless now, but anyway...), but that's only after school. I have other things to take care of now.
That Tuesday didn't end there. After the fateful meeting with my CT and supervisor, my left ear started to lose hearing and by 2pm it was like the entire left side of my head was stuffed with a wet pillow. I left school as early as I could to go to the campus health center. That experience in and of itself was a nightmare. I had to sign in on a plastic form, I had to wait FOREVER. They made me take a pregnancy test before they would address the ear pressure, which by this time was starting to meander over into my right side. The surly nurses didn't believe me that it was normal for my little red haired friend to visit only once every year or so. Of course they didn't believe me, it was a university health center after all. But they didn't have to be so hoity-toity about it. Poor girls who are actually pregnant and go there! My advice: don't. Just go somewhere else. Then, I was greeted upstairs in the clinic with a digital scrolling sign. Talk about cutting back on budgets and the growing dehumanization of the American healthcare system! I laughed out loud at the sign. People stared. I coughed up a phlegm ball. They stopped staring.
But the reception guy was nice and helpful. He showed me step by step how going to the health center works. And the P.A. that saw me was very nice and sympathetic towards me being fired from student teaching. And the amoxicillian she gave me started working the moment I took the first pill. I had to suffer another 24 hours before my ears finally popped, however, but my throat is feeling 100% better than previously. The drugs themselves were cheaper than curry fish balls from an HK street vendor.
Speaking of which, I wish I was there now. It's around 10 in the morning on Friday there. The traditional part of my cousin's wedding ceremony (the groom and groomsmen invading the bride's place with the bridesmaids playing tricks on them before letting them in, the tea ceremony with the bride and groom's parents, etc) should have started already. What a waste, I could have gone.
Well, now I have plenty of time to. I'm totally booking a flight for June through August.
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