Sunday, March 7, 2010

Sometimes, I hate feelings

Rabbit says, "It's ok. I love you even if you are a loser."

I haven't felt like blogging very much lately due to all the job hunt drama - which allows for a lot of insecurities to flow back in through places I thought I had sealed. Crying Kid from art class, I get you, I do.

Well, that's another example of being behind in posting my ideas. I thought I had blogged about Crying Kid, but I guess I haven't, and thus have no link to embed here to refer to the story of Crying Kid. Eh.

I've been comparing again. Which leads me to feel sorry for myself, second guessing the decisions and events that led me down winding side streets. What if I didn't study abroad? I wouldn't have had to spend extra time doing those residency credits and making up for those bombed classes. What if I didn't go to China? I might not have been placed in that awful phase 3. I might have gotten my credential, a masters, AND been at a teaching job for a couple years now.

Like several people I know. All of them decided to be teachers after I did. All of them graduated after I did. And they are all in classrooms now. Have been for years. I could have been part of that group.

But I'm not.

Then it leaks into areas of life like being married, finances, home-ownership, other relationships, etc. Nope, not there yet either. Won't be there in the near - or far - future. What on earth have I been doing with my life? How come I have so little to show for it?

Most of the time, I'm ok with not being part of the pack. Most of the time, I'm thankful I've led a rather "road less travelled" life. Most of the time, I like that I've had unconventional milestones. It took 24 years for me to enjoy all of that.

Tonight is not one of those times. Tonight is one of those nights when I wish I was part of the pack, doing the things most women my age do, thinking the things most women my age think, preparing for things most people my age are preparing for.

The most awful feeling in this pile of crap feelings? I hate that I'm regretting and pitying myself. I'm so busy pitying myself right now that I'm struggling to muster up the energy to do anything about it. Regression is the suckiest feeling of all.

Ok. Emo rant over. Getting back up one step at a time. First step: putting away laundry.

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