I have no idea what I'm doing

Oh yeah, I've started BTSA. Except my school district doesn't call it BTSA. And there's a whole boat load of paperwork. And I'm still not quite sure exactly what's going on, or what is expected out of me from the program.

Although it does look all too much alike with the Teacher Performance Expectations that I was graded on at UTEC.

And once again, I'm being told that I'm a good teacher AND not a good teacher at the same time.

Thus, the confusion. Eh.

So far, all that I've done with BTSA is watch a couple videos on differentiation, fill out a few papers, get observed a few times, and have hours long discussions on what went wrong in my lesson. I would like to talk more about how to fix what went wrong instead. I would also like to go observe some teaching in action. That would be helpful.

But the school doesn't have the money to pay for a sub for me to go watch other teachers during the school day.

Thus, the round-a-bout cycle of inaction.

Screw it. I'm going to do something about that, whether they like it or not. Rule breaker! Yeah!

Evals and whatnot

Why are there photos of food on this blog about teaching??

My principal has walked into my room at least once every week for the past three weeks now. He has given me no feedback as of yet - probably because it's not a formal observation.

But it makes me a little jittery anyway. Am I going to have a job next year?

Last week I was so stressed out. To the point of breaking down and crying in front of me BTSA mentor.

And then this thought hit me: Dude. Letting these students have a structured "failure" of not getting it right away is a valuable learning process too. Thus, I stopped with the hand-holding. Life was so much better after that.

I've also been leaving school earlier. Sometimes. Especially when I'm feeling totally unproductive in front of the massive to-do list before me. That's when I know it's time to go home. I would rather be unproductive at home, and get some proper rest, rather than be unproductive in my classroom in a very unrestful way.

Just so that it's out there: it's a very freeing feeling to not care about work after work is over. It's the key to my sanity this year.

I also have a boat load of papers to grade. Again. But I'm not going to worry if I don't finish grading them by tomorrow. Oh well, students, you'll just have to wait one more day. It won't kill you to practice some patience.

Fill what is empty, empty what is full

Filling up on yummy things like crackers and hummus and peaches.

Oh dear.

I unexpectedly burst out crying today. In front of my BTSA mentor. Awesome and professional of me isn't it? And teaching isn't even going THAT terrible! Sure, I can do better, I can improve. Sure, I make mistakes on a daily basis. Sure, I've got some individual students who can do with a bit more "Mean Ms. Ng" and less "Sympathetic Ms. Ng" just because they learn better with more structure.

But overall, my students are:

- productive
- understanding the material
- well behaved, non-defiant, and energetic/happy about school

I guess I'm stressed out. It's the problem I had during student teaching too - the little things chip away at me until I've got nothing left. I'm also allowing the daily grind/traditional teaching methods/need to give, give, and give some more to get the best of me.

Well, I can't give what I don't have. And when I don't have anything to give, it's time to recharge and fill up again. That's my job tonight. That, and letting go of work things that consume my mind. Let it go....let it go....let it go....

Meeting-ed-out

I am totally meeting-ed-out this week:

Tuesday -- PLC groups to make Smart Goals. 3 hours.

Wednesday -- BTSA orientation. 2 hours. District board meeting. 3 hours (but I only stayed for 1)

Thursday -- Morning PLC group to plan. 1 hour.

Friday -- Staff development day for training on benchmark testing system. 6.5 hours.

Total for the week -- 15.5

I hate meetings. Especially the type where, for some reason, I can't get a grasp on what the speaker(s) are talking about, and then I get resentful because I wish I was in my classroom rearranging the seats of my two pre-algebra classes.

Because one of the other pre-algebra classes from another teacher is getting broken up to make room for an additional geometry class - a geometry class that should have been there on the first day of school any way because there is no physical possibility to fit 37 students in that classroom to begin with.

And thus, I'm absorbing 11 students from that class into my pre-algebra classes. It's going to be crazy on Monday. But I think I can handle it.

Maybe.

Half of these three months of summer has gone by quite quickly. The first day of school still seems very far away, although I'm sure I'll be panicking and waking up at 3 AM with classroom nightmares once August officially rolls around. However, these quiet days are nice too: reading, watching movies, art camp teaching, road trips, a short weekend trip for a good friend's baby shower, weddings, planning water games, crafting, cooking, challenging my non-existent engineering skills my brother is deluded that I have by sending me a 3D "assembly required" model of the Eiffel Tower. Even the deep, dark hole that the death of my rabbit left has begun to fill in a little bit - volunteering at my local rabbit shelter helps.

Thinking a lot about the BTSA. My school district calls it by something else, partially because they do it a little differently. Instead of a fellow teacher at my own school being my mentor, I'll have an experienced teacher who's sole job is to observe, critic, and give me wake up calls from complacency. Which is nice. Because even the most veteran of teachers will find their attentions torn with the work load of their own classroom as well as a needy n00bie like me.

The mentor is shared among all the other BTSA program inductees, but there won't be more than a handful of us - mostly math teachers - because I know for a fact from an HR clerk that my district hasn't hired anyone new in at least five years.

Hold up. FIVE YEARS? And no new teacher hires? That's the norm for this past year, and perhaps the previous one too in certain areas. But five? I'm shocked at the implications this little statistic holds, and I'm ever more awed at just how lucky I got.

The BTSA

Rabbit says, "Dude, why are you putting yourself through all that trouble and stress when you can just relax and munch greens?"

Now you've officially graduated with a teaching credential, you're on your way to becoming the best that schools have ever seen!

Sure. Only after you've finished another two years of being monitored by a master teacher, your colleagues, your principal, your district, and the All-Powerful CCTC. Because all you've got in your green little teacher hands is a Preliminary California Credential To Teach Whatever Subject(s) Your Degree And Your CSET(s) Say You Can And Nothing Else.

Beginning Teacher Support and Assessment is what awaits once you leave the protective gates of the Ivory Tower. It involves meetings, observations, writing papers and lesson plans, critiquing yourself/others, reading, case studies....basically your entire credential program packed into any spare time you have outside of your normal teaching responsibilities, instead of it actually BEING your normal teaching responsibilities as in your student teaching days. Some people call it an extended PACT, which makes sense: The Formative Assessment for California Teachers is done during the BTSA as well. FACT and PACT. Yep, only a teacher could have made up an acronym like that.

It typically takes two years to accomplish, although I've heard it can be done in one.

Well, that is assuming you've got a full-time teaching job. Subbing does not count. Apparently, you have to sign a contract with the district before they'll sponsor you into the local BSTA cluster. And you can't get into a local BTSA cluster without the sponsor ship of your workplace.

Thinking about the BTSA makes me question why I got into teaching in the first place. It can't be all that bad, right? RIGHT??