I didn't realize how extremely stressed out I was until I found myself almost crying over a box of homemade Valentine's Day cookies my lovely friend L sent me. It's only been three weeks of phase III so far (and as my cohort-mate J says, "Thirteen more to go!") and I've only had about an hour each week that can truly be considered "me time" - aka Evidence A that Ms. Ng is really really really not in a happy mood. This bodes nothing well for a person who thrives in hermit-mode.
Evidence B: I slept for a grand total of 23 hours in a 34 hour time span this weekend. I am. Friggin'. Tired.
One of the textbooks my pedagogy class relies on has an entire chapter devoted to balancing professional and personal lives as teachers. I'm not saying there are no other jobs out there that are tougher (most doctors and nurses have it rough), and I'm not saying that teaching isn't sometimes easy. But don't come to my face and say things like, "Teaching is such a cake walk!" because you will get a long lecture from this teacher. If I'm feeling extra crappy then you might also get some cake in your own face.
No, scratch that. It would be a waste of good cake.
I'm just saying that it's a fine line to dance and I haven't danced it very well for the past three weeks. There is a chance I might get dooced in the future because of some of the entries here. Frankly, the school that decides to fire me because of honestly saying that teaching is rough, that the behavior of some students drive me insane, that if one particular kid were an adult I would slap her upside the head, is not a school I want to work for. I also do not want to work for a school that does one thing in front of the class and another thing completely different in the staff lounge. The teachers at my current school are a seriously depressing bunch. And it rubs off on me. And I don't like it.
The single most irritating thing about my phase III placement is that my CT has an open door policy at all times. He gets to school at around 7-7:30 every day and the students know it because there is always at least one waiting at the door for the classroom to open. They come in, make a lot of noise, ask you a lot of stuff when you are trying to set up and get ready. It's really annoying to me, a relatively new teacher, to be bothered every two seconds about something from someone. It's not to my CT because he's been doing this for eight years and his personality probably thrives from the constant interruptions. The afternoon is the same, except only until around 3:40 when my CT leaves. But with all the interruptions, I've had about 40 minutes of planning time with him each week. Last semester, I taught half as many days as I do now and had three times the amount of teaching planning with my CT. Nicely said, 40 minutes is not enough and I believe 20% of what goes wrong in my lessons would not have happened if I got more planning and information from my current CT and fewer interruptions from students and other staff.
Although it does say something about the student's home life. When I was a kid, I didn't have a lot of desire to be at school. I arrived on campus a couple minutes before the first bell, and left immediately after. But these students are coming to school two hours before the official start time. Some of them do it because there is nothing to keep them at home, not even a warm, comfortable bed or a good breakfast to linger over.
So my CT and I made a deal that the door will be locked and closed until at least 8. I would have liked it to be 8:30, so I would have that hour to get my head straight before the school day. It's slim chances that will ever happen in his classroom, so on Tuesday I'm leaving the house by 6:10 to get to school by 7. I get my full hour of quiet classroom time. The students get to hang out with adults who really care about them before these same adults will have to turn their attention to the whole group rather than the individual.
So it'll have to start with me. Although it's nice when it comes from the outside as well, like with the cookies (love ya num-num!) and some rather encouraging things said by various people (hey, facebook isn't just for wasting time). I started making monthly resolutions this year. So far, most of them involve staying organized, keeping stuff clean, exercising, eating well, and passing the RICA. I'll get my RICA scores in about three to five weeks - I did my best and it's out of my hands for now. The other things I've kept up with from sheer momentum. But I should enjoy those things too. Because I do enjoy those things like cleaning and swimming and biking and cooking and reading for fun. I don't get to do a lot of it, but quality over quantity works just as well if not better.
I won't do a very good job of taking care of my students if I'm not doing a very good job of taking care of myself.
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