Solo, Day 1-3

Lord Byron got it quite accurate. I've been in a daze the whole day, at least since my morning Open Court lesson crashed and burned in the most spectacular way possible. Thus, I'm not very coherent right now, not even to myself. But I do want to jot down a list of thoughts going through my mind, learn from them, put them aside, and start fresh with a renewed spirit.

Did I mention I only have half an hour to do all of that? Yeah, because the work never ceases.

*finally completed the Educational Leave of Absence process today. my impression of the chair person's reaction to my question on who would approve my form seemed rather snotty. I in no way expected any "special" anythings "granted" tome. the form protocol required a signature. I was following the protocol. period.

*I really wish my CT would let me talk a little more when we go over my lessons after I teach them. I'm not sure him doing all the talking is effective in helping me understand how to teach better.

*also, it is very difficult to get my thoughts together right before the bell rings when someone is talking at me. and when my thoughts are not together, I teach poorly.

*I better let my CT know this tomorrow. I'll ask him to save his comments for the end of the day, not at lunch, or at prep, or at recess.

*damn, is it only Wednesday?

*seriously, I love teaching science.

*why on earth am I making the same teaching errors over and over again? why am I so inconsistent? why are my old habits dying such a long and drawn out death?

*more importantly, how can I fix this weakness?

*I am totally NOT a 4 in any of the performance evaluation items. Am scared. Am anxious. Am nervous. Am frustrated. Am depressed and disappointed.

*almost cried at school today. at the verge of tears now. and my first three solo days haven't been that bad! yet, I still feel like a hopeless failure because of my inconsistency.

*I don't mind failing. it's the second time that makes me mad. and also the fact that the future doesn't look very promising.

*right now, would very much like a decent paying job where I just play with rabbits all day. is there a job like that? because I would like to apply.

*the commute seems so much longer when it's been a bad day.

*so much freaking stuff to do for the job hunt. I've already done so much too, but it never seems to end. there's another piece of information to add to my portfolio, another bit of contact information to give to this person, another school to study-up on enough to be able to ask intelligent questions, another thing that needs doing but I don't know what it is yet because it'll only pop up at the last minute. ~.~ uugh.

*I do not give a rat's tushie about being "holiday ready," so you can stop pushing that tinsel in my face now.

*I really appreciate my part-time job, really. But I don't appreciate the expectation of showing up to a class WHEN I WASN'T TOLD THAT THERE WAS ONE. Or being under the assumption that I am available teach a new session, scheduling me for it, AND THEN telling me after all other things had been set. Or thinking that I can magically appear at a school site in twenty minutes WHEN IT TAKES FORTY TO DRIVE THERE.

*I really do appreciate my part-time job. I will probably work at it for a little longer if I can't manage to find a full-time teaching position.

*that is, assuming they let me pass. it would SO SUCK if they end up not letting me pass. again. I'm not sure I would continue with the program if that happened.

*not that I've been told any time this semester that I'm under risk of not passing. my supervisor has actually been pretty impressed by me. and my CT, in general, thinks I'm decent as well. it's just that today was such an utter disaster, it feels like I'm failing. again.

*would very much like to crawl into a warm, soft cave and hibernate for a very, very long time.

Ok mind, are you emptied yet? Can I move on with my life and get back to work? Can "being patient start now," like Lyra says at the end of The Amber Spyglass?

I'm so glad tomorrow is a new day. I just hope today won't chain me down from those flying colors tomorrow.

Photo from: Beauty in Everything